ALL THE NEWS THAT'S FIT TO PRINT
AND SOME THAT AIN'T
Howdy folks! This here’s ol’ Pete and Rosebud comin’ at you again!
I done the scariest thing I ’bout ever done a few days ago. Did I tell you about it? About me and my mule Rosebud headin’ for the woods up there on the hill behind Silas’s store? Yeah, we thought there was a columnist spy settin’ up there with one of them ’sault rifle guns and that he was fixin’ to start pickin’ off people down there at the store.
I know it sounds like I’ve been settin’ up here talkin’ to my mule for way too long, that maybe I let my ’magination get plum away from me. But there was good reason to think what I thought. Everbody up here thought the same thing, that there was a spy amongst us. They all heard the shootin’ and headed to Silas’s store to figger out what to do. Only me and Rosebud decided we wouldn’t go down there and stand around bein’ targets. We decided we’d do somethin’ about it.
A lot of things runs through your head when you’re faced with a thing like that. You don’t know what’s goin’ on. Not for shore. You hear shootin’ and you know everbody in the holler’s gonna gather up down at the store so you start tryin’ to think like a columnist spy. Only you ain’t used to thinkin’ atall. I ain’t. I try not to think no more’n I have to. And I shore ain’t used to thinkin’ about what some wild man hidin’ in the woods with a ’sault rifle is fixin’ to do.
I got to thinkin’ about it and I couldn’t help but be a little uneasy about us goin’ down there to the store. What if they was right about this feller? What if he really was some kind of a spy or somethin’? Would he be smart enough to go out somewheres and shoot off his gun, knowin’ that everbody was gonna hear it and come a runnin’ to the store down there to see if they could figger out what was goin’ on? What if that was all part of his plan? What if he was gonna wait till a big bunch of us got gathered up down there and then open up with that big ol’ gun and mow us all down.
Well, me and Rosebud talked about it and decided we’d hang back a little and come at it from a whole ’nother direction. Yessir, if that’s his thinkin’, me and her wasn’t about to play by his commie spy rules! We decided we’d ease on acrost ol’ man Ledbetter’s pasture, up the hill there to the woods. That way we could sneak up on him and ’tack him from behind. We might even be heroes if we didn’t get killed.
I swear I’d druther try and sneak up on somebody with a bull dozer than I would with Rosebud! That mule couldn’t sneak up on a rock! It’s hard to put two feet down without makin’ no noise in the woods, but Rosebud’s got four of ’em and besides that she goes along snortin’ and wheezin’ and everthing else. And it ain’t like we was huntin’ squirrels. A squirrel ain’t gonna shoot back at you! But spies is different. I ’spected the shootin’ to start any time.
And shore ’nuff, we did start drawin’ fire when we got over there to where he was s’posed be at. But it wasn’t comin’ from the spy. Come to find out, he wasn’t even up there. But somebody down at the store got to thinkin’ like me and Rosebud and was keepin’ a eye on the tree line up there where we was at, makin’ shore there wasn’t nobody got the drop on ’em. And he seen us. Or heared us. Like I said, Rosebud was makin’ more noise than a freight train. Anyways, he spotted us up there. He couldn’t tell who we was, but he decided to shoot first and find out who we was later. And as soon as he took the first shot, a dozen other fellers joined in and purty soon there was a whole army shootin’ at us!
We would’ve been goners for shore if it hadn’t been for that big oak that’d blowed down up there. We hunkered down behind it where they couldn’t get at us. But we couldn’t do nothin’ else either. We couldn’t get away without gettin’ out in the open. We couldn’t shoot back. We was just stuck.
So there we was, up there tryin’ to be heroes and half the holler was inchin’ up the hill toward us, shootin’ as they come. They thought we was Russhin spies, up there with guns a tryin’ to shoot ’em. It was a bad sichy-wayshun. I didn’t think we was gonna make it outta there in one piece.
I don’t know what would’ve happened if the columnist spy hadn’t a come drivin’ down the road about that time. Everbody seen him comin’ and run back down there and circled him. There must have been fifty guns pointin’ at the poor feller. They say he turned white as a sheet. They drug him outta the car, hawg tied him and called the law.
I guess callin’ the law is what we ort t’done in the first place. They come out and ’vestigated it and found out it was all a big mistake. The feller wasn’t no columnist atall. Don’t know why he said he was, but come to find out he was a writer for one of them city magazines. And, yes, he’d been shootin’ over at his place, but it was just for the fun of it and you can shoot all you want to on your own place.
But, anyway, he won’t be botherin’ us no more. They say he decided to move back to the city for some reason. Yeah, I hear he’s got his place up for sale over there.
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