ALL THE NEWS THAT'S FIT TO PRINT
AND SOME THAT AIN'T
Howdy folks! This here's ol' Pete and Rosebud comin' at you again!
Last time, I was tellin' you about the time me and Rosebud and Denver out walkin' and run up on this bigfoot. Up 'til then, I wasn't for sure there was even such a thing as a bigfoot. And if there was, I thought they lived out West in the Rocky Mountains or somewhere like that. Ever now and then, though, you hear about one comin' down out of the mountains for a few days. I guess they're the ones people see. Somebody gets a glimpse of 'em, you know, and everbody gets to talkin' about it. I think they do that on purpose. They want people to see 'em. Then they can go back home and tell stories about their people-sightin' adventures to the other 'squatches.
But the bigfoot we seen was different. There'd been talk about him before we even seen him. There was reports from up and down the holler about somethin' tearin' up hawg pens and carryin' off hawgs. No, this was a bad'un. He was gonna hang around 'til he got ever hawg in the holler. Or 'til somebody took care of him. And that "somebody" was me.
Denver was a couple of steps behind. Rosebud was right beside me, holding the double barrel elephant gun. Our eyes met. She glanced at me, handed me the gun and took a step back. I leveled the gun at 'im, cocked the hammers on both barrels and cut down on him.
Click. Then another click. Misfire. Dang! I'm in trouble.
I throwed the dead gun aside. I was gonna have to handle this thousand pounds of muscle with cold steel. At eight foot tall he towered over me. And that mouth... that mouth was big enough to put my whole head in it. I retch across my belly to the scabbard on my belt. My hand found the smooth, well worn handle and I eased the weapon out of its leather sheath. And I waited. I was in no hurry to charge in under those powerful arms, in reach of those foot-long razor sharp claws, to stick that fork in him.
I stared at the table fork clutched in my fist. I glanced around at Rosebud. She shrugged and took a step back. My attention shifted back to bigfoot. He had spotted it in my hand, the sun glinting off its well worn, mirrorlike surface. He looked at the fork, then at me. A wicked smile flickered across his ugly face. He had me. He thought he did.
His grin grew bigger until he could hold it no longer. He started to laugh. He laughed harder and harder, lookin' first at my face and then at that silly lookin' fork. I thought once I'd just throw it at him. No, that would be silly. He'd eat me with it. I had to think. I've been in tight places before. Like the time in Africa when I took on that huge crocodile with a canoe paddle. Or the time I held off a whole pack of wild dingoes in Australia's desert outback with nothin' but a six-cell flashlight. That and my wits. That's it. I had to keep my wits about me. If I didn't, this bigfoot would skin me and use my hide for a rug. I could do this. The bigfoot ain't been born that can take me.
"Laugh, you rascal," I sneered. "Me and Rosebud and Denver here will nail your stinkin' carcass to the side of the barn and let the birds pick at it! Right, Rosebud? Denver?"
I glanced behind me. They were both gone, slunk off with their tails tucked between their legs. But I couldn't blame 'em. Rosebud's only a mule. Denver's only a... well, never mind about Denver. But it was just me now, me and ol' bigfoot standin' there, his hot stinkin' breath in my face. And he was sniggerin', laughin' at me. It made me furious.
"That's all right," I muttered under my breath, "go ahead and laugh. You ain't got me yet. You want a piece of me, come and get it." I stood feet apart, crouchin', waitin'. I shifted the fork to my left hand.
Fork?! The cold truth swept over me like a bucket of icy cold water. What am I doin', facin' a bigfoot that's bigger'n a house with nothin' but a table fork?
It's strange how your mind wanders when you're facing almost certain death. My mind drifted back to the time I climbed Mount Everest and came face to face with the obama-nable snow man. I was scaling an ice cliff when I reached up to get a fanger hold and grabbed a toe. I looked up and saw him standin' there, this giant creature staring at me with blood red eyes. I thought I was a goner that time too. But I wasn't. I...
"Gro-o-o-o-wl!" Bigfoot's growl brought me back to earth. He wasn't grinnin' now. I was about to take on this mountain of muscle with nothin' but a common table fork. I figgered that made us about even. He lunged and I side stepped, swipin' at him with the fork. We both missed. I stepped off the side of the bed and went sprawlin' in the middle of the floor.
That's when I woke up. Best doggone dream I ever had and I fell outta bed and woke myself up. Ain't that just the way it goes, though? Well, maybe next time. I have a feelin' I ain't through with ol' bigfoot just yet.
You can contact Pete and Rosebud by email at