ALL THE NEWS THAT'S FIT TO PRINT
AND SOME THAT AIN'T
Howdy folks! This here's ol' Pete and Rosebud comin' at you again!
A funny thing happened with my mule Rosebud this mornin' and I don't know 'zactly what to make of it. It's sorta got me puzzled. But two heads is better'n one they say, so I decided I'd talk to you about it. It's one of them things that'swhat do you call it?kinda tech-nickel. I ain't too good with that tech-nickel stuff and, to tell the truth, I'm havin' a little trouble gettin' my mind wrapped around it. Maybe the best thing is for me to just tell you and see what you think about it. Maybe you can help me figger it out.
It all started first thing this mornin'. I was in there in the kitchen and happened to look out the back door and seen Rosebud standin' out in front of the barn. Ain't nothin' odd about that, but this mornin' there was somethin' different about it. She was all humped up over her computer settin' on that old eatin' table I drug out there after I got the new one at that garage sale last summer. I didn't need the old'un no more so I stuck it in the barn out there. Anyway, Rosebud's been usin' it ever since then for a desk. In fact, that's why I put it out there, 'cause she was always complainin' about not havin' nowhere to put her computer. Me, I ain't got nowhere to put mine neither, but then I ain't got nary'un to worry about.
But which one of us has got a computer and which'un ain't hasn't got nothin' to do with today's problem. Well, in a ways it does. The thing that got my attention was that it was barely daylight and she was already out there pokin' away at that thing. I found out a long time back that I need to keep a close watch on. She's like a kid with matches. That's why I decided I'd better see if I couldn't find out what was goin' on. Better to find out now than after I start smellin' smoke.
And it's a good thing I did, too, 'cause she was out there fixin' to order one of them fancy exercisin' machines like you see on TV. I don't remember what they call it, but it looks sorta like what you'd come up with if you was tryin' to make a machine gun, only with bows and arrows instead of bullets. It's a funny lookin' thing. I guess it'd be okay if you was a human bean, but Rosebud's a mule. And she ain't got no more use for it than she would a bicycle. Which, by the way, she tried one time too, but that's a whole 'nother story. So it didn't surprise me that she was about to order this exercise gizmo. No, the surprisin' thing was the time of day. The chickens wasn't off the roost yet. Why was she at it so early? And when I asked her why she was at it so early, what she told me did s'prise me. And I mean, it s'prised me big time too.
She thought about it a minnit and said she didn't know why. I mean, she knowed that she was orderin' one of them exercise things, but she didn't have no idea why she was doin' it. Have you ever done that? Have you ever started doin' somethin' and, right in the middle of it, somebody come along and asked you why you was doin' it and you couldn't give 'em a good answer? I don't think I ever have. I've forgot what I was doin' in the middle of doin' it, but that ain't the same as knowin' what you're doin' but not knowin' why. No, I ain't never done that. And I don't think Rosebud's ever done it either. That's what made me wonder what's goin' on.
The first thing that run through my head was that it was one of them secret gov'ment 'spearments like they talk about. They tell you they ain't doin' nothin', but you can't trust them gov'ment people as far as you can throw 'em. Lyin' just comes natcheral to 'em. I've always had it in the back of my mind that they might be puttin' some kind of strange thought control waves outta them towers they've put up everwheres. They say they're for cell phones, and maybe they are, but who's to say they ain't doin' somethin' else besides that?
I got up this mornin' and found my mule tryin' to order a exercise machine off the innernet way before daylight. That ain't normal. That wouldn't even be normal for a human bean. So, what am I s'posed to think? You can believe whatever you want to but I ain't rulin' out a secret mind control plot. This time I was wrong. Well, half wrong. I ain't ready to admit that what I was sayin' about them cell phone towers is all wrong. I believe they're doin' that. I can't be a hunnert percent certain, but just in case I've lined my hat with tinfoil so the waves can't get through to my brain. I ain't gonna tell try to tell you what to do, but I'd give that some thought. Just put it inside your hat. Can't hurt nothin'.
Anyways, as I was sayin', that ain't what happened to Rosebud. She fell asleep watchin' TV and one of them hour-long commercials come on for that exercise thing. She said she laid there soakin' it up while she slept and this mornin' she got up with this overpowerin' urge to buy one of 'em. Only she didn't know why. But after I started askin' her questions, she got to goin' back over it in her mind and figgered it out.
But just 'cause it wasn't mind control waves this time don't mean it ain't goin' on. Get you some tinfoil.
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