ALL THE NEWS THAT'S FIT TO PRINT
AND SOME THAT AIN'T
Howdy folks! This here's ol' Pete and Rosebud comin' at you again!
You prob'ly remember me tellin' you about how my mule Rosebud was gonna get her in a bathroom put in down at the barn. Well, she did. She got her a bathroom builder from over in town to come out and do it for her. She had to. There ain't nobody up here in the holler knows much about bathrooms.
I prob'ly ort to have been payin' more attention to what she had 'em doin' down there. I figgered she'd have 'em do somethin' reasonable, you know, somethin' like run a water pipe up to the ceilin' and stick a sprinkler on it so she could get under it and warsh off. That'd be reasonable. I thought she might even have 'em put in one of them 'lectric hot water heater things so she could have a warm bath any time she wanted it. I could see that. That'd be reasonable too. I ain't real fond of ranchin' off in cold water either.
I figgered they'd have to put in a cement floor, maybe with a drain pipe in it to drain the water off over the hill somewheres. I sorta expected that, what with the barn not havin' nothin' but a dirt floor and all. And if you're takin' a shower every day, it'd soon get muddy. I don't know all that much about bathrooms, but I'd think it would be somethin' you'd almost have to have. It wouldn't do much good to take a shower and try to clean up when you're up to your knees in mud.
But that's about all I'd think a mule would need in the way of a bathroom. Not much more than that. Maybe a doo-dad or two to decorate it, and she'd prob'ly want shelf to hold her soap and stuff. A few little things like that, you know. The last thing in the world I was expectin' to see was that big ol' huge bathtub she got. I mean, it was shore 'nuff mule size, big enough that she could lay down in it.
Oh, and she was proud of it too. She told me it was one of them whirly-pool bathtubs, that it had a 'lectric pump that you could turn on and you could lay there in the water and it'd squirt water on you. I didn't know nothin' about 'em, that'un was the first'un I ever seen, but the best I can tell, it's somethin' like a shower only it does it's squirtin' down in under the water. She filled it up with water and turned it on so I could see it workin' and, when the pump started goin', water started comin' outta them little holes in the side of it and the water in the bathtub started roilin' just like it was boilin'. I would've swore it was boilin' hot if I hadn't a seen it with my own eyes.
It shore is a fancy thing, but for the life of me I don't know why anybody would want somethin' like that. If it was me, I'd want my shower to be up high, up where it'd squirt out on my head. It don't seem like it'd work right if it was squirtin' out under the water. It shore would be hard to ranch the soap off of you with it set up like that. But I ain't real fond of tub baths nohow. No, if it was me I'd a whole lot druther have just a plain ol' pipe with a sprinkler on it so I could take me a shower. I couldn't help but wonder if Rosebud wouldn't have been a lot better off with a reg'lar ol' shower too. Either that or just go down to the car wash to ranch off on Friday nights like everbody else does.
I'm gonna say somethin' right here but I don't want you takin' it the wrong way. Mules is nasty things. Now, mind you, it ain't their fault. They've got hair all over 'em, see, and when they get to workin', like if they're pullin' a plow through the garden or somethin' like that, they get all sweaty and wet and then they get to stirrin' up the dirt and dust and everthing. And when they're workin', that dust and dirt boils up and gets in their hair and everthing. So, it ain't their fault. They can't help it. Bein' a mule is just a nasty, dirty bizness.
Look at it like this: Supposin' you was hairy like that and got out and drug a plow through the garden for half a day. You'd get all sweaty and nasty too. And that's just the way it is with mules too. So, if you're a mule and you come in to the house after a hard day's work and you're nastier'n a hawg, the last thing you're gonna want to do is go and lay down in a tub full of water. In about two seconds, you're gonna be layin' in a mud hole. Right? Right.
That's why I say she'd be better off goin' to the car wash. They're set up for that kind of stuff down there. Shoot, they have to be. They've got to be able to handle them big ol' muddy log trucks and things like that. And you don't see none of them pullin' 'em into no big tub of water neither. No sir, they spray 'em off.
Of course I didn't say nothin' about this to Rosebud. I didn't want to go mouthin' off about her brand new whirly-pool bathtub, sayin' bad things about it and all. That wouldn't be right. If somebody gets somethin' new like that, if you can't say somethin' good about it, you need to just keep your mouth shut about it. And that's what I done. I said my ooh's and ahh's and grinned like a possum like I thought it was the finest thing I ever saw. And I reckon she does too. In fact, that's where she's at right now. She's been out there soakin' her ol' hide for hours this mornin'.
You can contact Pete and Rosebud by email at