ALL THE NEWS THAT'S FIT TO PRINT
AND SOME THAT AIN'T
Howdy folks! This here's ol' Pete and Rosebud comin' at you again!
Well, no more weddin' plans for my mule Rosebud. That's all over with. She's forgot all about gettin' married and moved on to the next thing. The trouble is, the thing she moved on to ain't much better'n what she moved away from. You wouldn't of guessed that, would you? Anyway, she says she thinks she's been witched. Me, I'm just thinkin' what's next? Anyway, she got up sneezin' a few days ago. She wasn't sick, mind you, just sneezin' and not feelin' real good. Well, no big deal. Everbody gets like that sometimes. Maybe it's like the ol' sayin' about gettin' up on the wrong side of your foot. Next day it's over with. And Rosebud ain't no different from us human beans about stuff like that. Not usually, she ain't. But this time she decided a witch has put a sneezin' spell on her.
I don't know where she comes up with this stuff. She shore don't get it from me. If I was to get up sneezin', I'd prob'ly blame it on bein' 'lergic to somethin'. The last thing I'll think about is a witch. I doubt we've even got any witches up here in the holler. Not the kind she's talkin' about anyhow. Aunt Samanthy's got the name of bein' a wart-witch, but that's a whole different thing. If you've got a wart, you can go see her and she'll tie a knot in a silk thread, mumble a few words over it and your wart will go away in a few days. That's why they call her a wart-witch, 'cause she takes off warts. She wouldn't have no idea atall about castin' sneezin' spells on people. So we ain't talkin' about Aunt Samanthy.
And somebody else we ain't talkin' about is them two little skinny girls that runs around up here. They are kinda spooky lookin', though, what with 'em goin' around with their hair all bleached out to a white-white color and that white makeup all over their faces. And they paint their lips and fangernails black and wear them long black dresses. Some people say they look like witches, but to me they look more like they've been dead a week or two than they do witches. But they ain't witches. There wouldn't either one of 'em know a witch's spell if one was to sneak up and bite 'em on the ankle. So we ain't talkin' about them silly little teenage girls neither.
What Rosebud's talkin' about is one of them ol' timey witches, the kind with the pointy hats that comes out after dark and boils up a stew outta snake livers, bats eyeballs and the like. You know the kind I'm talkin' about. They get the pot to bubblin' and then say magic words over it and cast evil spells on people. Yeah, them's the witches Rosebud was meanin'. But you know somethin'? I don't even believe in them kind of witches. I don't think there is any such thing. I think they're just a pigment of somebody's 'magination, somethin' they've thought up to scare people with.
You want to know somethin' else? I don't think Rosebud believes in 'em either. She's one of them that's got to stir up things ever now and again just to keep it from gettin' dull. I've seen her do it lots of times. If there ain't nothin' goin' on, she'll make up somethin' outta thin air. So when she got up sneezin' and feelin' a little porely, she used it as an excuse to come up with this witch thing and liven things up some.
And that's okay with me. The way I look at it, at least she ain't fixin' to jump off the barn roof with a pair of homemade wings strapped on her back. She done that one time, y'know. Yeah, like to a scared me to death. I happened to look over that way about the time she jumped. She was wearin' these wings that her and Denver had made out of sticks and duck tape and that black plastic stuff like they make them trash sacks out of. When I first seen her, I thought she was dressed up in a Batman suit. It would've been funny if she hadn't been about to break her neck. She jumped and them wings billowed out ten foot on either side. Then they broke in two and come all apart. She flew twenty foot. . . straight down. Lucky for her, she landed on a pile of hay that broke her fall. Other than a few scrapes, she was alright. So that's why I say I don't mind her make believe witches. They're downright tame compared to her flyin' off the barn roof.
And she's really into it. Two can play this witchin' game, she said. If a witch is gonna put a sneezin' spell on her, she's gonna make her own potion and put one on the witch that done it. Her and Denver drug that big ol' kettle out and set it up by the wood shed. Now she's got Denver runnin' around pickin' flares and herbs and stuff to put in her potion. Says them bad witches use rat's tongues and gross stuff like that, so she's gonna put sneezy stuff in hers. That's good. At least it don't smell bad. Fact is, it smells purty good. And somethin' good has already come out of it. She forgot all about feelin' bad and sneezin' as soon as she got started on her witch hunt.
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