ALL THE NEWS THAT'S FIT TO PRINT
AND SOME THAT AIN'T
Howdy folks! This here's ol' Pete and Rosebud comin' at you again!
My mule Rosebud's been tryin' to learn how to fly for two solid weeks but she ain't got the first laig off the ground yet. The closest she's come to flyin' is climbin' up on top of the barn and all she was doin' up there was tryin' to get over bein' afraid of high places.
That sounds a little strange, don't it? A mule tryin' to fly but bein' afraid of havin' her feet up off the ground. But there's a lot of things about Rosebud that's. . . well, kinda different. And about when you think you've got her figgered out, she pulls somethin' like thisthis flyin' stuntand everthing you've got figgered out about her goes right out the winder. But I've learned to just roll with it. As the ol' sayin' goes, if you can't lick 'em, join 'em. And if you ever thought about lickin' a mule, you better think again 'cause mules is tough ol' things. And besides that, if you did manage to lick one you'd just end up gettin' hair all over your tongue.
You know I'm just kiddin' about that, but bein' serious, I've got a real problem here. Rosebud's put a lot of thought into this flyin' thing. She told me three weeks ago that she's gonna fly on the Fourth of July, and the Fourth is next week. She's got a start, but she's got some serious catchin' up to do. She's tied some fishin' nets together and made somethin' that looks sorta like a parryshoot. You know, one of them things you'd strap on if you was gonna jump out of a airplane. I don't know why you'd to do that, but if you did you shore wouldn't want to use Rosebud's parryshoot 'cause it's made out of fishin' nets. You'd drop like a rock. But it ain't no parryshoot nohow. It's s'posed to hold balloons. She's gonna take and blow up a big bunch of balloons and stuff 'em in that net 'til she gets enough to pick her up off the ground.
And usin' a big bunch instead of just one big'un makes sense 'cause sometimes they bust and if you're a mile high, the last thing you need is to have that one big balloon that's holdin' you up to bust. If it did, you'd fall outta the sky. But if there's a hunnert of 'em in a net and one or two or a dozen of 'em pops, it ain't no big deal. You'd just drift down slow.
The only trouble is, all the balloons we've blowed up so far just lays there on the ground. They don't go up. I don't know what's wrong. We blowed em' up different ways. First, we tried usin' a air pump but seen right off that that wasn't workin'. They just fell down to the ground. Then we tried blowin' 'em up by mouth to see if that'd work better. That's what they do in them cartoon shows, y'know. They blow 'em up and they just fly off as purty as you please. So we thought it might be the breath that give 'em the lift. And they did seem like they was a little lighter, but they still didn't float.
Then I got to thinkin'. What can you blow in balloons to give 'em some lift? Think about that'n a minnit. Smoke. Smoke will. Smoke always goes up. If it didn't, your chimbley wouldn't work. All a chimbley is is a pipe to let the smoke out and if it didn't go up, it wouldn't work. You could stick a pipe on the bottom of your stove like you would a kitchen sink and drain the smoke out and let it run over the hill. All that smoke would puddle up in low places like so much dirty dishwater. But it won't work like that. Why? 'Cause smoke goes up. It always goes up. So I told Rosebud what we've gotta do is blow smoke in them balloons and that'll do it. She'll be flyin' in no time.
The only thing is, there ain't none of us smokes. Denver dips a little but that ain't gonna work. Can you 'magine now nasty that'd be, Denver out there tryin' to fill up a hunnert balloons with snuff-spit? And Rosebud's dead set against smokin'. She just flat ain't gonna have nothin' to do with it. Which is just as well. Lord knows she's got enough bad habits without takin' up smokin'. Besides, her tryin' to smoke would be dangerouser than a two-headed snake. Yeah, I can see it now, her tryin' to light up a smoke and accidental touchin' the match to her hair. It'd flash up like a Kansas grass fire. It'd singe all her hair off before I could get her put out. Then I'd have to put up with a hairless mule runnin' around lookin' like a giant, sunburnt chihuahua dawg. I told her that and if looks could hurt you, I'd be pushin' up daisies right now.
So, rulin' out Denver and Rosebud, I guess that leaves me to get the job done. I ain't never smoked cigarettes, but I've been knowed to light up a seegar ever now and again. So, bright and early in the mornin' I'll get out there and light up a seegar and start blowin' smoke in all of them balloons. I don't know how many it's gonna take. There's a whole bunch of balloons out there, so I'm figgerin' it'll take eight or ten, maybe a dozen, before I get 'em all blowed up.
There's one little thing that sorta bothers me, though. I ain't never smoked a whole seegar at one time. And I've heard that sometimes they'll make you sick if you ain't used to smokin' 'em. I shore hope they don't bother me.
(But I'll let you know how it turns out next time.)
You can contact Pete and Rosebud by email at